Several friends and family have asked how I've been doing with the move, broken leases, Rolin's birthday, temp housing and other life events. Overall, I'm doing well. We made it to Phoenix; we're still all relatively sane. I'd call that a win for Team Thompson!
While I believe my body still managed to host a physical reaction to stress (more on that later), I believe I did mentally ok with this move. Especially compared to when we first moved to California.
Besides forgetting Rolin's swim trunks for swimming lessons, and, I'm sure, overlooking someone's birthday (sorry if it was yours!), I don't think I experienced too much scatterbrain-ness or overreacting. Well, except for the day the new pediatrician in Spokane (yes, I finally found a new one) told me that there was no way I could bring Rolin in until August 6. We still didn't have a firm date as to when we would leave town, you see, and I wasn't sure if we'd still be in town on August 6.
Hearing that I may not be able to get him in for his 1-year well baby check was apparently a trigger for me; I experienced a breakdown not unlike a breakdown a brand new mom may have during the first two or so weeks of a new baby's life. My crazy-mom hormones kicked in and I was irrationally convinced that if I didn't get Rolin his 1-year vaccinations before we left for Phoenix, he would surely perish or spontaneously combust the moment he saw his first cactus.
Good news: We made it to his August 6th appointment.
This time around, I am 100% certain that my (overall) sanity is owed to a higher level of faith and reliance on God. I
mostly trusted with the last moves, but in the past I would let doubt and crazy brain get the better of me. I would allow evil to instill fear in my world. I'd feared things would not work out smoothly, that we wouldn't make enough money to eat in California, that I wouldn't find a job, that we'd never ever find any friends.
Every single time, those doubts have been proved wrong. The Lord does provide.
Doubt and fear are silent, deadly enemies, my friends.
Understanding and
remembering that our Heavenly Father goes before us and stands behind us (Deut. 31:8) is a sure comfort. This is a promise I was reminded of
through a song the day after learning of our Phoenix assignment, and also by a friend the night before we left Spokane. I'm not saying this adventure was worry-free, but reminding myself that
our story is part of his plan, taking a deep breath from time to time and telling myself I
do not have to take action or control in every little thing really brought a new sense of peace to this transition.
Some tasks are meant for others to handle, and the best way for me to help is to take a step back and trust. Also known as mind my own business.
There are things I've struggled with in my life -- worry, jealousy, bossiness, biting my nails, hypersensitivity to others words/actions, judging, nosiness (for lack of a a better word that describes getting involved in situations where I don't belong), to name a few -- all things that have been helped through prayer and conversation with Jesus. That's not to say I don't still struggle with these, but I'm getting better.
Worry, for example...well, let's call it irrational fear...
I once saw someone touch raw pork and then reach into a large package of wonton wrappers (we were making dumplings), therefore possibly contaminating the remaining wonton wrappers in the package. Another person took the rest of the wonton wrappers home to use at a later date. I couldn't sleep for two nights out of fear that if I didn't tell them I'd witnessed a possible (and after further review, unlikely) contamination of the remaining wonton wrappers, that this person's family would die from trichinosis.
Another time I hunted down newlyweds in a crowd of people to tell them to please remove the blue crepe paper from their getaway car before they parked at the airport, out of fear that the paper would not only stain their car, but that they'd be super pissed at the bridal party for eternity and never talk to us again. They looked at me as if I was the stupidest person on the block and that of course they already planned on removing the blue crepe paper. They were adults, after all. With brains of their own and everything!
But still, these are the things that haunt my thoughts and dreams.
Also, involving myself where I don't belong. While I 'd
like to think of it as being vigilant, others probably find it to be more along the lines of meddling, "oldest child syndrome," being bossy, nosy or a busybody...
I still have a very prominent memory of being called out after whisking away a spoon from a cousin's toddling child. The child's parents were right there, present and watching, but I still intervened thinking I knew best. The parents were actually kind in the way they called me out, considering my actions were unnecessary and they were now dealing with a screaming, confused toddler -- but I think it was the look on everyone's faces that was like someone smacking me upside the head and saying
you don't always need to do something about everything.
After that, while I was visiting home for the weekend, I actually told my mom I was disinclined to acquiesce to her request to I make sure my adult-aged brother was out of bed in time for church, that his khakis were ironed and he was wearing a belt (because he hadn't yet responded to her previous (and multiple) requests, you see). This waking-my-brother business was a frequent assignment of my youth, and it'd
almost always lead to some sort of outrageous Sunday-morning throwdown between me and said brother.
You know why? Because I made it my business, my job, my duty, and I was determined to be successful. I wouldn't simply stick my head in his room and tell him to get up. Ohhh, no. I'd stick my whole person in his room and start waving my arms around and stomping my feet, demanding he get up. I'd say he was making mom mad, that I didn't understand why he just wouldn't do what mom said, that he knew better, that he was being ridiculous jerkface and he knew it, that he really, really, really needed to get up!!! And don't forget your damn belt!!!
This would cause undo stress, anger, semi-hatred, upset stomachs and unnecessary nail biting for everyone. It could have all easily been avoided.
This particular time, when assigned the task of waking brother, I told mom I'd tell him once, but I'd leave it at that. Guess what? He eventually woke, dressed, ate and got in the car...all...by...himself! There was no screaming, calling of names, hitting or gnashing of teeth. I think that Sunday we actually all walked into church with smiles on our faces. He may have even been wearing a belt!
Sometimes we got along.
Learning to let go, learning to hand over the reigns, learning to pass on taking the reigns
in the first place, learning to trust with the faith that all things will work together is a lesson I need tattooed on my forehead. It is (obviously) definitely not my first thought or reaction in most situations. But I am learning.
With this move I really focused on trusting and not working myself into a wobbly, worried, doubtful, control-freak mess. There were groups of people working on logistics and details so we didn't have to, and I just let them do it. Yes, I still had moments of panic, anger, worry, bickering and tears, but a keeping my focus on God's faithfulness and control served as a reminder that eventually things
will be back to normal, that He will take care of us. It helped me see God moving in the present.
Perhaps this time it won't take me almost three years to look back and say, "Ohhh, I see what you did there. You're sneaky. Thank you!"
